Paper panic rerun: A lengthy March 11 Facebook gem of a post by the Newport Oregon Police Department went viral:

“It’s hard to believe that we even have to post this. Do not call 9-1-1 just because you ran out of toilet paper. You will survive without our assistance.

“In fact, history offers many other options for you in your time of need if you cannot find a roll of your favorite soft, ultra plush two-ply citrus-scented tissue.”

A long list of toilet paper alternatives ensues, and the writer swears that the Sears Christmas catalogue, if used frugally by a family of three, can last until St. Patrick’s Day. 

“Be resourceful,” the post advises. “Be patient. There is a TP shortage. This, too, shall pass. Just don’t call 9-1-1. We cannot bring you toilet paper.” (In One Ear, 3/19/2020)