Recently, I was at a training where it was made abundantly clear that teachers and schools are in need of acknowledgment of the positive things that are going on. Basically, there is an imbalance in information that gets out; we hear or talk much more about what isn’t working than what is.

My husband and I participated in a meeting at John Jacob Astor Elementary School regarding our daughter that was supportive, professional and exciting. The professionalism was tempered with patience, and the excitement was because we now feel much more positively about our daughter’s future school experiences, as does she. As she said the week that our plan was implemented, “Thanks!”

I believe that a child’s experience at school, i.e. does he/she feel supported and successful and cared about, is just as important as what his/her grades are. I also know that good self-esteem goes hand in hand with learning. I have seen many young adults be able to make up for what they’ve come to realize are holes in their academic learning by accessing community colleges.

From what I’ve seen, the way that they go about making this decision, and the willingness with which they pursue further education, is very much influenced by what their emotional experience of school was in Kindergarten through 12th grade. In other words, how they felt about themselves when they were there can be more important that what their actual grades were in determining whether or not they want to keep going.

I also believe that when it comes to a meeting like the one my husband and I participated in, what kind of experience a parent had with school can become part of the dynamics of the meeting. We bring that to the table along with our concern for our child.

While I believe that all children are born with self love, and that it is either nurtured or not, I will say that my oldest daughter was born with a lion’s share of confidence. So for us, this meeting was more about prevention than repair in terms of our daughter feeling successful at school.

But as her parent, it is also important for me to separate my school experience from hers. For instance, a particularly humiliating experience in Kindergarten motivated me to find a very good Kindergarten teacher for my children, which I did. That is an example of using my experience for good.

However, I’ve also needed to remember, during discussions about my daughter’s behavior, that there is a difference between a firm voice and public humiliation, and that she’s usually pretty OK with being cued, and that she is still well-liked by staff, even if they don’t like a particular behavior.

In terms of school staff working with parents, what I think can never be stated too much is this: When you meet with us about our child, you have us at our most vulnerable time, so tread lightly. Yes, we need to behave ourselves, but please remember that it can be difficult to not be defensive when our hearts are in such an exposed position.

So, with that in mind, let me say: Thank you, Astor School, for caring not just about my daughter, but her parents, too.

Wynne Preston

Astoria