Eddie Murphy pulls out every trick in his arsenal of comedic artillery, but each one flies right by its target in “Daddy Day Care.”

He contorts his expressive face, attempts prat falls and zings one-liners, but all of that can’t overcome the horrendously predictable plot and cliche-filled script.

One would think the combination of cute children with the timing-talented Murphy would be a sure winner, but somehow director Steve Carr has taken the concept of a day care run by men and turned it into an ooey-gooey superficial mess.

The plot follows Charlie Hinton (Murphy) and Phil (Jeff Garlin), his partner, as they lose their high-powered marketing jobs. As a result, Charlie and his wife can no longer afford the pricey preschool, (yes, preschool) in which they have enrolled their son, Ben.

The school, known as the Marine Corps of day care, is run by the highbrow, conniving Mrs. Harridan, played by Anjelica Huston. She has some of the best lines and her motto is “A child is like a climbing vine. With structure to cling to and a good gardener to tend them, they’ll grow to the sky.” During an orientation, the Hintons pass by a class prepping for the SATs and children who aren’t old enough to read discussing Freud. All of this is supposed to illustrate how rigidly conservative Harridan’s school is and later contrasts with the day care Charlie and Phil will run.

Their day care essentially starts out as a way to pay the bills while Charlie and Phil look for better jobs, but they soon find out that dealing with other people’s children is a tiring job.

And these children are brats. They kick, bite, scream and are blatantly disrespectful as their wimpy parents look on without the least intention of disciplining them. Are we supposed to laugh as an angry child kicks Charlie in the shin for no apparent reason? Do we think it’s funny when the only way to stop a child from yelling and squirming is to bribe him with a dollar? I don’t think so.

Much of the film’s supposed humor comes from the displacement of Murphy and Phil from their office jobs to working in the home. We’re supposed to find their cluelessness hilarious. Problem is, we seen it all before in films such as “Kindergarten Cop” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger (a better movie, actually filmed in Astoria) and “Three Men and a Baby” with Tom Selleck, Ted Danson and Steve Guttenberg.

They begin by treating the kids as they would their former marketing clientele by giving them a mission statement, which the kids proceed to eat, tear up, wad up and throw.

After a couple of rough days though, Charlie and Phil get the hang of it and start to enjoy themselves. They hire another sitter, played by the ever zany Steve Zahn, and become the most popular day care provider in the neighborhood – not to mention better dads and husbands.

There are a few more complications, but anyone could predict the outcome of “Daddy Day Care” with the confidence of an Astoria weatherman forecasting rain.

At one point in the film, Charlie holds a focus group meeting with his young charges to see what it is they want to get out of day care. One little girl replies, “You gotta stimulate our minds.” Too bad the filmmakers didn’t heed the advice of their own movie. That’s all we’re asking for, folks – a little mental gymnastics.

“Daddy Day Care”Rated – PG for language

Starring: Eddie Murphy

Director: Steve Carr

Length: 94 minutes

Now playing at: Astoria Gateway Cinemas, Cannes Cinema in Seaside and Neptune Twin Theatres in Long Beach, Wash.

Short take: Murphy is the only draw in this disappointingly predicatable movie about two men opening a day care business. This fish out of water scenario produces few, if any genuine laughs and has been done before in better films such as “Kindergarten Cop.” Even the outtakes aren’t funny.

Rating: 1 and a half stars

Rating system:

4 stars: Absolutely the best

3 stars: Good, solid entertainment

2 stars: Wait for the video

1 star: Don’t waste your time

Movie Trivia: Murphy signed on with Saturday Night when he was 19. What unique distinction does he hold as a former SNL cast member?

Movie Trivia answer: Is the only cast member of “Saturday Night Live” to host while still a cast member. Nick Nolte was to host but fell ill and Eddie replaced him.