Mike Francis

We concerned citizens of the 21st century have no shortage of matters about which to worry: Vladimir Putin’s nukes; the warming planet; and state Sen. Suzanne Weber’s justification for boycotting the Oregon Legislature.

But I’m stepping on my box of soap to pronounce a more pernicious threat to our common good: Subject-pronoun disagreement.

Oh, you may scoff. Subject pronouns are disagreeable by nature, you may think. Already, your finger is reaching for the corner of this page so as to turn away from cringeworthy memories of your sixth-grade English classes.

The mismatch of singular subject — the sheriff’s office, the tattoo artist, the restaurant — with its associated pronoun — “its,” not “theirs” — is a discouragingly common grammatical howler. You are likely to see it multiple times a day, even in the pages of this otherwise praiseworthy newspaper.

“The Clark County Sheriff’s Office said they could reveal no evidence of the crime.” “Holmstrom said their tattoos are popular with masochists.” “Jones said the restaurant would overhaul their menu.”

Its. Its. Its.

One sheriff’s office. One tattoo artist. One restaurant. Its, not their.

This problem may not strike you as terribly pressing, but gosh darn it, it still matters. If we proceed down this road of semantic confusion, then our next turning will bring us face to face with chaos. Imagine, ordering a single burrito and getting a plate of 12; planning for one guest and 15 showing up; discovering that a prominent elected official actually manifests eight distinct personalities.

The good news is that this is an eminently fixable problem. With a little rereading and self-editing, you can do your part to make it disappear. When that seems insufficient, then you can write a column like this one.

It will require, perhaps, a little additional mental energy to identify and eliminate these needlessly confusing mispronouns. I regret the mild inconvenience this will cause many. But this project is easier than, say, stopping the bleaching of coral reefs, preventing famine or negotiating a truce with a maniac.

I tell you, a nation that can put a man on the moon can certainly tame its citizens’ tendencies to garble their subjects and related pronouns. Let’s put aside our differences, strap on our green eyeshades and make it happen.