Dear Santa,

I have been good this year. Remember when I commandeered that Spanish galleon in 1579 when I became the first Englishman (God save the Queen!) to sail around the world? I am quite proud that we captured over six tons of Spanish gold and silver.

And while we all know she didnt officially support my piratical endeavors, Miss Lizzy was quite pleased with her cut of the treasure obviously, as she knighted me upon my return!

But I have a problem. I buried some of the booty on a mountain the local native peoples called Neah-Kah-Nie, along the northern Oregon coast. Well, a funny thing happened on the way home. Somehow the map I made for the treasure wasnt in my captains chest when I arrived back in Plymouth Harbour.

I first presumed that scalawag Thomas Doughty had absconded with it, but then I remembered that I had executed the mutinous bilge rat a few months before we took the galleon. Go figure!

The only thing I can think of is one of those flying rats stole it.

Signed,

Francis Frankie Drake Sir

Dear Francis,

I am sorry about your map. But even though Queen Elizabeth nicknamed you my pirate and was quite taken by your exploits, I must remind you that, just because you and John helped defeat the Spanish armada, it didnt give you (or he) the right to moon them as you sailed back across the channel.

Also, please dont call seagulls flying rats.

I will revisit this on the merits of your behavior next year.

Santa,

North Pole

Ahoy Santa,

Even though some of my past exploits have placed a black mark on my reputation, Ive been really good this year and would be obliged if you could bring me pink sails for my new ship.

Piratically yours,

Anne Bonnie

Ahoy back, Anne,

While there is the issue of what you said to Ms. Reed, while your husband, Calico Jack, awaited execution in the cell next to you both: Sorry to see him there, but if he had fought like a man, he need not have been hangd like a dog, I can see how you felt that way. Spoken like a true equal-opportunity pirate.

So I am going to have a custom pair of pink sails made just for you and a special pink flag. That way, the crews of any ships you take in the future will fear your flag but still give regard to your unique sense of style.

Your Santa Baby

Arrgh! Santaaah!

As I hope ye been tabulating, aye ave been a good pyrate this year, as Iya been using me fearsome image to encourage me captives to relieve themselves of ther goods while nary a harming them.

An I ave a special request. I require a replacement parrot. Me cook aboard Queen Annes Revenge said e accidentally mistook it for a fowl run amok below deck. E turned er into parrot pot pie!

Argh!

Ed Blackbeard Teach (burp!)

Dear Edward:

Sorry to hear about your bird.

While it is admirable that you are said to have spurned the use of force to acquire, shall we say, your goods, there still remains that fact that your actions against your fellow pirate Stede Bonnet were quite, how shall I say it deplorable.

At your request (just to see if he could), he goes off to get pardoned, successfully, I might add, and whilst he was gone you ransacked his ship and marooned his crew! I am sure that is why he returned to piracy after Governor Edens pardon.

And you would have had the devil to pay, had he not been hanged before he got his revenge on you.

And then theres the issue of your still playing with fire. Yes, I agree with Capt. Charles Johnson, (or Defoe whichever the side of the speculative fence you sit), when he wrote, So our Heroe, Captain Teach, assumed the Cognomen of Black-beard, from that large Quantity of Hair, which, like a frightful Meteor, covered his whole Face, and frightened America more than any Comet that has appeared there a long Time.

But as I have written before, you just cant go around tying slow burping (pardon me), burning fuses in your beard you are on a wooden boat! Havent you heard of the phrase, burnt to the water line? And what message does that send to your crew about fire safety!

So until you stop using these dramatic attention-getting tactics, I am afraid a new parrot is out of the question.

Santa

P.S. Cookie didnt accidentally mistake Polly for a foul he just got tired of the birds constantly screeching Maynard is Spotswoods monkey!

Dear Santa:

I have been a really good treasure hunter this year! But as you know, the weather was really bad most of the season while I was working the 1715 Fleet off Vero Beach, Fla. We moved a lot of sand, got spiked by more than our fair share of sea urchins, but didnt find much treasure. I could really stand to hit one more big mother-load maybe someplace nice and warm, say the Caribbean? You know I hate cold weather! Thats why I moved away from Ohio!

Thanks for your consideration,

Carl Fismer, Captain

Dear Fizz:

Yah know, it still warms Mrs. Clauss heart to think about all of the children you, and your sidekick, Robert, made smile and feel better when you put on your treasure-hunting presentations at childrens hospitals. They still have the coins you used to give them!

But she was quite upset when you made several, shall we say, festive nautical gestures, at the government officials a few years back when they closed down your treasure-hunting areas off Key Largo (dont tell her, but I thought it was quite entertaining the looks on their faces!).

But since she has a say in what presents I bestow on Christmas day, I must take her wishes into consideration. After all, she is very good at keeping the elves in line.

So we reached a compromise: How about a map to a mountain on the north coast of Oregon?

Youve always been our favorite pirate!

Santa and Mrs. Claus

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Robert Lewis Knecht is a historian and treasure hunter and can be reached at treasure@cannonbeachtreasure.com.