Sometimes I wish THAT e-mail had never been invented. It enables negative waves to infect my psyche.

And guess what? If I write back, using that ugly, made-up word “unsubscribe,” my messages bounce back. Undeliverable. I cannot stem the tide.

In the early 1980s, my first editor job entailed sorting the mail. I became so skilled that I could spot viable news releases from garbage just by looking at the unopened envelopes. Press releases from government agencies clogged the mailbox. Most were useless, but I was happy that I had emigrated to a country where information was so free. Technology then regressed to faxes. My new task was to throw faxes away. One out of 100 is useful, which means I have to peruse them all. I can sniff out a bogus fax in 0.8 seconds. I toss 99 into our big blue recycling bin and pass the 100th to a colleague for processing.

Then some well-meaning dork invented e-mail.

So now I spend the first 45 minutes of every workday deleting unwanted e-mails.

Don’t get me wrong. I actually like to receive personalized e-mails. News tips from readers. Photos of local events. Replies to my questions. Notes from colleagues updating me on stories. Those are great.

It is the other 149 messages each day I cannot abide.

5:30 a.m. Wednesday, somewhat weary from an enjoyable Columbia Forum the night before, I staggered into the office and logged on.

The barrage was waiting, with screaming bold-face type, Extra Capital Letters For Added Emphasis and beaucoup exclamation marks!!! All addressed me by my first name. (Although I wear a suit, I’m a pretty informal kind of bloke, so I suppose that’s all right).

Here is a sampling, plus my thoughts and actions.

Message 36. “Patrick. ‘Why don’t you knock it off with them negative waves?’

– Sgt. Oddball

Sherman tank commander in ‘Kelly’s Heroes’ (1970)The typical Chinese restaurant menu is a sea of nutritional no-nos. A plate of General Tso’s chicken, for example, is loaded with about 40 percent more sodium and more than half the calories an average adult needs for an entire day. ‘I don’t want to put all the blame on Chinese food,’ said Bonnie Liebman, nutrition director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest. ‘Across the board, American restaurants need to cut back on calories and salt, and in the meantime, people should think of each meal as not one, but two, and bring home half for tomorrow,'” Liebman said.

Thought: Soon they’ll be telling us that beer, doughnuts and pizza are bad for us.

Action: Delete!

Message 79. “Patrick. Revelation 18 describes a nation known as Babylon that is ultimately destroyed. Babylon, a rich and sinful nation, is revealed by John Durr to be present-day America in the newly released two-volume book ‘The Soon Coming Judgment of God Upon America And How To Escape It.'”

Thought: I cannot speak for anyone else, but I love America and wish folks would stop bashing it. Pale horses couldn’t drag me away.

Action: Delete!

Message 81. “Patrick. The Interior Department’s Minerals Management Service (MMS) is accepting public comments on the draft programmatic environmental impact statement (EIS) for the Outer Continental Shelf (OCS) Alternative Energy and Alternate Use (AEAU) program. The Notice Of Availability for the AEAU draft programmatic EIS is listed in the Federal Register Reading Room today. Written comments will be accepted through May 21.”

Reaction: Initially, I was confused. I wanted to KO the ID’s MMS on the EIS for the OCS and the AEAU. But I’m glad the NOA is in the FRRR and I will submit my WCs ASAP. OK?

Action: Delete!

Message 149. “Patrick. The leadership network, Project 21, urges Congress to ask former Vice President Al Gore about his own lavish energy consumption. From the looks of their utility bills, the Gores kept their home warm and toasty this winter. Have they thought about the single mother who provides for her family on a paycheck-by-paycheck basis? I don’t think she could afford … to heat her home without cutting back on something vital such as nutritional food and health care for herself and her children.”

Thought: While I’m sympathetic to working single parents, if someone has saved hard enough to afford a nice home, must he or she sit in it shivering?

Action: Delete!

These important messages stopped me getting your Daily Astorian out early.

And do you see a common link? They are so negative. Why can’t more people be in favor of something instead of against everything all the time? Like Oddball, Donald Sutherland’s lovable tank driver in Kelly’s Heroes, I just can’t abide “them negative waves.”

– P.W.

English-born Patrick Webb is managing editor of The Daily Astorian