SCREEN SCENE: ‘Dukes’ delivers on stupid humor

Published 5:00 pm Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Estimated number of illegal acts in the down-home howdy-y’all “Dukes of Hazzard:” 20. (Bear in mind that I probably missed some.)

This would include playing “crack the whip” by dragging a safe on a chain behind a tow truck, throwing Molotov cocktails made of moonshine at cop cars during a high-speed chase and driving the famous orange 1969 Dodge Charger known as the General Lee in amazing, impossible and incredibly irresponsible ways.

Estimated number of extremely dangerous acts: 25. Of course, most of the illegal stunts fell into this category, but it also features Luke Duke (Johnny Knoxville) diving out of a second-story window to escape an angry gun-toting Southern man after being caught in a less-than-fully-clothed state with that man’s sister. My other favorite in this category involves Bo Duke (played by Seann William Scott, a very pretty man) starting a good ol’ knock-down drag-out bar fight when he was hopelessly outmatched because someone questioned cousin Daisy Duke’s virtue. Flirting with Daisy (Jessica Simpson) also appears to be most hazardous to your health. She’ll knock you flying in three shakes of a cow’s tail.

Estimated acts that were just plain blindingly stupid: 30. Most of the acts in the previous two categories are in this list again, rounded off with Bo and Luke beating each other in the face with phone books, shooting flaming arrows at gas cans for no reason whatsoever, climbing a barbed-wire fence (which is not a smooth ascension), saying “We’ll be out of here long before another cop car shows up” and managing to drive the General Lee, complete with giant Confederate flag painted on top, through a black Atlanta neighborhood.

“Dukes of Hazzard” is taking a lot of heat in the media for perverting a good clean 1970s TV show into a profane, sex-laden, violent little flick. And that’s pretty much what the movie did. (Estimated amount of property that got destroyed: One heck of a lot, including mailboxes, a barn, a trailer and a truly uncountable number of cars.)

But. The original show also featured very short cutoff jeans and the use of Daisy’s charms to get out of tough situations, the Confederate flag and at one point, a traveling whorehouse.

And I was somewhat disappointed in Daisy. (Number of times the hot and frequently scantily-clad Daisy used her body to get her way: I lost count after four.) Jessica Simpson kicks butt well, which is refreshing after one too many helpless-female movies, but it would have been nice to see Daisy do something to advance the plot besides take off her clothes. But it is Jessica Simpson; I’m probably asking too much.

(Number of times male flesh was available for view: Only one, and it was in the outtakes. Life is just not fair. Don’t miss the outtakes, they’re hilarious.)

Of course, counting all these things left me without time to count the large number of: car chases; cop cars following our heroes at one time; cars spinning wildly out of control within 50 feet of road; times Bo took his eyes off the road while driving dangerously to glare at Luke (note for heroes: Secretly dating your buddy’s crush is not the way to defeat the Forces of Evil); times that one car tried to force another off the road – the fender damage was unbelievable; occasions for gloating found by bad guy Boss Hogg (Burt Reynolds.) Note to villains: Never ever ever explain the details of your twisted plot in the sure knowledge that you have won and there is nothing the heroes can do to stop you now.

The thing is, this movie is stupid. It’s worthless. It’s a piece of trash. But I was never bored for a single minute, and as the outtakes rolled (I mean it, don’t miss the outtakes), I came back to earth with a bump, in shock that it was over already.

That is the single most important sign of a good movie, and for that reason, I wholeheartedly recommend “Dukes of Hazzard.”